Words from the song “For Good” from the musical "Wicked"

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
...And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you..."

The past few days have left me reflective, frustrated, fearful, relieved, overwhelmed and humbled.

I once heard it said that "people come and go in our lives for a reason and perhaps a season" and with "many goodbyes we learn".

I think we learn to accept differences in each other, observe grace and mercy in others and ourselves.

I believe that we learn that if only by the grace of God, we are led and directed and guided by a Hand much gentler than our own or the hand of another.

I felt as alone as this yellow daisy this week, surrounded by glorious blossoms of royal purple. 

I learned however, that not all is as I assume it to be.  Imagine that...

Others have struggled getting to where they are today.  Held in high regard, respected among their peers and they continue to question themselves.  They hold me to a higher standard because they have held that banner high and know that it is worth the struggle to fight for what is right.

This week I learned that anything worth fighting for is worth doing well.  I learned that those that held me to a higher standard began walking with me to do the right thing. I learned in this week that with a humble heart and a contrite spirit, others see in me those things that I cannot see myself.

INTEGRITY, DIGNITY, and COMPASSION

I thrive to do bring hope to others through their jouney of grief and loss.  Hope eluded me this week in so much that I was ready to give up and not go forward.  Then hope came through others that believe in the process of doing the right thing.

I read comments to others and their pain and their grief was screaming.  They felt violated again, one more breach of confidentiality moved into their safe place.  Their safe place was a "secured" facebook page.  Fragile, not to be trusted, sites hacked into...Really, is that all we have, is that where we lay our treasures.  The most sacred held pain, tears and saddness.  I remember a time not too long ago where I trusted.  I trusted someone to keep the sacred secret...the best laid plans of mine.  It was not to be so. It was shattered...and along with that I was literally sliced open and stomped on.

But that was then and this is now. The face of grief is observed in everyone of my fellow Gold Star Mothers...they have yet to move ever so slowly toward hope. But I know there is hope...I know because I was given hope in the face of the most painful tragic thing that has ever happened to me.  I know that you, too can have HOPE in the midst of your tragic thing, your crisis, your time of trials, your crossroads to go one way or another in a critical decision. 

I have a heart of gratitude today for the friends and collegues in my life that helped me walk a good path this week.  Thank you to you all and you know who you are.

Now, go do the right thing but first DO NO HARM!

Forever grateful to you, too!

Delain

I have reposted this from "DailyOM".  It is so powerful and truly ministered to my spirit because of the events of the last few days and weeks. 
I hope that you each receive a small bit of peace after reading this and are able to breathe.
Bless you all beyond measure,
Delain

Things We Can’t Control
Allow, Trust

We develop grace as we learn with the guiding hand of the universe, life will unfold exactly the way it should.

The idea of trusting the universe is a popular one these days, but many of us don’t know what this really means and we often have a hard time doing it. This is partly because the story of humankind is most often presented as a story about struggle, control, and survival, instead of one of trust and collaboration with the universe. Yet, in truth, we need to adhere to both ideas in this life.

On the one hand, there is much to be said about exerting control over our environment. We created shelter to protect ourselves from the elements. We hunted for animals and invented agriculture to feed ourselves. We built social infrastructures to protect ourselves and create community. This is how we survive and grow as a civilization. However, it is also clear that there are plenty of things that we cannot control, no matter how hard we try, and we often receive support from an unseen force – a universe that provides us with what we cannot provide for ourselves.

It is a good idea to take responsibility for the things in life that we can control or create. We work so we can feed, clothe, and shelter our loved ones and ourselves. We manifest our dreams and visions in physical form with hard work and forethought. But at a certain point, when we have done all that we can, we must let go and allow the universe to take over. This requires trust. It requires a trust that runs deeper than just expecting things to turn out the way we want them to. Sometimes they will, and sometimes they won’t. We develop equanimity and grace as we learn to trust that, with the guiding hand of the universe, life will unfold exactly the way it should. We are engaged in an ongoing relationship with a universe that responds to our thoughts and actions.

What do you do when you don't know what to do?

 photo by Apex Photography

I just read this on a post of Gold Star Families facebook page.  James gave me permission to use his words to let all of us know what really matters when someone is hurting because of the death of a loved one.  I think James summed it up beautifully. 

"Those of us who suffer grief will more often than not remember the quiet and unassuming person who comes to visit them. The person who quietly sits by us on the couch and lets us weep and talk about our lost loved one without interruption or thinking they have to add anything. The person who handed us a kleenex without a word. The who was there when they needed them, who just simply listened — who didn’t keep glancing at a watch — who simply hugged, touched, cried, and prayed. It is not the person who liked to say for all to hear "What can we do for you?" or "Let me know what I can do" it was the person who saw a need and simply did it without question or without fanfare. Like when I went to get some coffee and my sister's in Christ were at the sink washing our dishes! I did not even know they were there! Or our clothes were magically washed and folded ready to pack! I still do not know who mowed my yard or filled the car's gas tank up! I may not know who did it but I will forever remember the act!

So in summation... the people I remember most in my grief was the someone who was available and came to me..."  James Dunigan  proud father of a fallen soldier

Quote of the Day

"Compassion is a deep desire to see others relieved of suffering; love is the other facet, a strong wish to see others happy." -Dali Lama

Taking Risks

"To Laugh is to risk appearing the fool, To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.To reach out to another is to risk involvement.To Express feeling is to risk expressing your true self.To place your ideas, your dreams, before the crowd is to risk their loss.To love is to risk being loved in return.To live is to risk dying.To hope is to risk despair.To try is to risk failure.But risks must be taken,because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.The person who risks nothing, does nothing,has nothing and is nothing.He/She may avoid suffering or sorrow,but he simply cannot learn,fell, change,love,grow,live.Chained by his certitudes,he is a slave,he has forfeited freedom.Only a person who risks is free." -Edgar Gibson, Jr. 

Writing to my other Gold Star Families...

My son, Cpt. Chris Soelzer was killed on Christmas Eve, 2003.  I was on medication for 6 of those 7 years.  It didn't stop the pain, it didn't stop the tears, it just made me able to function and keep my job.  I have learned that if I mourn well I will live well.  I have learned to embrace my loss, my pain, my sadness, my grief, my anger.  There is no right or wrong way to do walk this journey.  I just know that if you can find the one friend and confidant that will not leave you or forsake you and try to get you to "move" through it you will live for another day.  You learn to integrate the death of your son, daughter, husband, wife, grandchild, nephew, niece into your life.  There is nothing that doesn't bring our thoughts back to our loved one.  We can relate most things in life to them.  It becomes part of your story and who you are.  I decided at one point that I was not going to let the death of my son define me...but then how can that be. It does define me.  I have learned to tell my story, over and over and over and over again.  I have learned to only allow the people who understand to stay in my life. I am a mental health therapist on top of all of this.  I specialize in grief counseling...In this area I am the expert in what works for me and maybe a small part of that can help someone else. 

I continue to hold all of you close; I pray for you daily that you find joy once more, that you laugh and not feel guilty, that you find pleasure in the sun coming up, and delight in the loved ones that remained behind.  I have found that joy and delight again.  Because I have loved Christopher, I am honored to have been chosen to be his mother, Josh's mom and Timothy's mom.  I am honored to be the "bonus" mother of Sarah, Christina and Melissa.  I am grateful for the second chance I have been given to be the grandmother of 12 amazing grandchildren. 

I am full of appreciation for sitting at the feet of each of you and learning about your loved ones who were taken too early.  I am humbled that you trust me with your most sacred memories, holy tears and unmeasurable pain and suffering in your grief.

Remember to:

Learn from yesterday, live for today and hope for tomorrow.

Delain

The Many Faces of Grief...

It is overwhelming to say the least...it is everywhere.  Grief and loss surround us, might I even say bombard us everyday.  The newspapers, cable television news reporting around the clock report incredible, horrific stories of devastation.  Devastation that is nature driven and/or man driven.

There is a chance that we have become desensitized to fact that grief has a face.  Real people are affected by the actions of one.  When Christopher was killed in 2003, 600 people attended his funeral.  That was one act of terrorism, one man's death.  Before that day and after, countless numbers of people are directly affected in some way by actions of another, the choice of a sick mind. There is a ripple effect, a sort of tsunami that happens.  It leaves behind sacred rubble and remains for years.

The pictures of the World Trade Center being rebuilt and memorialized, the Oklahoma bombing site has a motto that states, "One City, One Nation, One Resolve".  "We come here to remember those who were killed, those who survived and those changed forever. May all who leave here know the impact of violence. May this memorial offer comfort, strength, peace, hope and serenity.^®"

What does the face of grief look like?  It looks like overwhelming sadness, a distant far off gaze, a blank stare, tearful, empty, SHOCK!!  It also is a chair for every person killed that day.  The survivor tree stands a powerful testimony to the resiliency of most. 

When we see the face of grief in someone close to us, it makes us uncomfortable.  We immediately want to take them to get over it so we feel better and want to be around them.  What would happen if we stay close and companion them on their journey of grief?  Is it contagious?  Will it happen to me?  Everyone loses someone, some thing close to us at some point in our lives. 

What does the face of grief look like? Despair...a silent inner scream all the time.  Changed forever...how could we not be changed.  Every breath that we take, every thought that we have centers around the one that left us too early.  How could we ever be as were before the trauma of loss?  Someone close to us has died.

This post seems heavy today, yet as I write I want to leave HOPE with each of you that even though you have experienced loss, saddness, depression and anger, asked a million why's, the sun comes up every day and gives us an opportunity to move one more day away from "that day".

If you have had a resent loss and find yourself in the process of grief, I hope and pray for each of you that you will honor this process.  Mourn well that you might live well!  There is nothing wrong with you and no right or wrong way to walk this journey.  If you want to talk about it, share your story over and over again, DO IT!  Call a trusting friend, a Pastor, a counselor and find joy once more in the every day!

Key Stages of the Process of Grief
The process of Loss and Bereavement

1. Denial and disbelief

2. Alarm - anxiety, restlessness, physiological accompaniments of fear

3. Urge to find/search for lost person/object/title/job/security/known situation.

4. Anger and guilt

5. Bargaining - in anticipation and reaction to the loss/threatened loss

6. Despair and depression - internal loss and deprivation

7. Identification phenomena - adopting traits, habits of deceased/adopting behavior patterns to insure that the loss/perceived loss does not occur again in the person's environment. In the case of job/career security this can be taking on traits of person that is perceived as causing the loss. At this stage one may begin to repress certain aspects of their personality and curtail their instinct to reach and respond in relationship to their environment and world. Withdrawal.

8. Pathological variants - delayed/prolonged/inability to grieve.
Lack of motivation. The loss/perceived loss must be grieved in order to move through the cycle and restructure. It is at this point that many people may feel "stuck", blocked, or feel a virtual victim of circumstance and environment. The feeling of "why try again?" "It's no use." may prevail.

9. Acceptance - non-acceptance or resignation. This is a decision making interim; and the beginning of recovery as a resolution is mandated at this point.

10. New identity - reorganization. At this juncture the restructuring begins and all that entails in the process, and individual development.



Choose Gratefulness "In Spite Of"...

All around us today are reasons to lose hope, grumble and complain, and wonder what challenge tomorrow is going to bring.  I don't need to list all the nation's woes to convince any of you that life is bringing us to our knees.

We cannot wait until everything is OK in our world, our community, or in our home or our family to be thankful and have a heart of gratitude.  There is unshadowed joy all around us. 

Lewis Smedes points out in his writing that we must catch and kiss our joy as it flies by, even in the midst of sorrow or suffering.  It doesn't imply that we should deny the suffering, but that we do not let suffering envelop us and cloud the beauty and joy all around us.

Where do your thoughts lie?  I challenge you to stop and think every hour on the hour in the morning and think of all the great things that happened to you during that hour.  Then in the afternoon I want you to stop what you are doing every hour on the hour and reflect back on all the awful things that happened to you during the last hour...

Do you feel the difference in your thoughts and your feelings when you are focused on the positive and when you are focused on the awful things.

It is another way to look at the "glass is half full or half empty" cliche'.  But I really believe that we can't change what we aren't aware of.

Yesterday, I talked to you all about the throat chakra--the 5th Chakra.  I hope that you are more consciously aware of what it is that would cause your throat to close up.  As you continue your awareness and breathe through your throat and embrace healing, that you continue your enlightenment today and have a heart of gratitude.

Thankful for each of you,

Have a truly great day!

Delain

Remembering to breathe

I learned today that our fifth Chakra is the throat Chakra.  It controls our communication and our healing.  I've been aware over the last seven years that when grief overwhelms me, I feel like I'm choking and I cannot speak or think of what I might say.

In Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life", she talks about the neck and the throat.  The neck represents our ability to be flexible in our thinking...to hear an other's point of view.  If your neck is stiff and won't turn it usually means that we are only open to our viewpoint or concept of a situation.

The throat represents our ability to "speak up" for ourselves, to have our voice heard, to ask for what we need, for the ability to say "I am".  When our throat closes up we are really saying to ourselves and to each other that we do not have a right to be heard and we feel inadequate.

Sore throats are really unexpressed anger.  When we are so angry we cannot speak, it can take on a literal form of laryngitis; and if not literally certainly a spiritual/emotional laryngitis. 

The throat represents the creative flow in our body.  When we are not honoring our creative self we are in a sense only trying to please others; only doing what others would want us to do. 

Louise Hay states, "The energy center in the throat, the fifth Chakra, is the place in the body where change takes place.  When we are resisting change or are in the middle of change or trying to change, we often have a lot of activity in our throats." 

So as you go throughout your day, be conscious of your thoughts and your throat's reaction to your thoughts. Notice when you cough or clear your throat.  What was just said, what were you thinking.  Is it resistance to change or is it the process of change.

You can not change what you are not aware of...today when you are aware of your throat being sore, tight or full, say to yourself, "I am willing to change" or "I am changing".  Have a thought of gratitude for the change happening and how sacred that change is.

Blessing you on your journey toward change,
Delain                            

The Greek Tear Jar

Good morning everyone!  I have decided that this Blog will be about the very special and holy tear jar.  When I went to a Bereaved Parents, USA conference a few years ago, I learned about the tear jar.  Each parent was given a tear jar at their table with the following explanation: 

In the dry climate of ancient Greece, water was prized above all. Giving up water from one's own body, when crying tears for the dead, was considered a sacrifice. They caught their precious tears in tiny pitchers or "tear jars" like the one shown here (lifesize). The tears became holy water and could be used to sprinkle on doorways to keep out evil, or to cool the brow of a sick child.
The tear jars were kept unpainted until the owner had experienced the death of a parent, sibling, child, or spouse. After that, the grieving person decorated the tear jar with intricate designs, and examples of these can still be seen throughout modern Greece.
This ancient custom symbolizes the transformation that takes place in people who have grieved deeply. They are not threatened by the grief of people in pain. They have been in the depths of pain themselves, and returned. Like the tear jar, they can now be with others who grieve and catch their tears. ~Pleasant White, PhD

I have since learned that these tear jars are so sacred that people have painted on them and given them to people they know who have lost a child.  One was so precious--they hand painted so small and intricate that you needed a magnifying glass to read the words.  The Lord's prayer was there in its' entity.  Simply awesome.

Today may you mourn well that you might live well,
Delain

New Beginnings

Hello again,
This post is way overdue...I apologize.  My life over the last month has been challenging to say the least.  It never ceases to amaze and humble me to realize that just when I think I am ready, willing and able to do whatever it takes to make a dream of mine manifest, life shows up.
The challenges that reared their sacred head again were grief, intense sadness, and fear.  Grief...okay!  One more time I face you, one more time I surrender to the pain of not having my son near enough to call.  I have to go through this one more time?  God says, "yes"!  Clean out your closet one more time.  Let go and take His hand one more time.
What does it really mean to hold the hand of the Father?  It means to accept and trust that He knows how to walk with me through this journey of grief and loss and the ultimate triumph over death.  To that I say, "But God..."  
This Memorial Day I spent the morning at the Black Hills National Cemetery surrounded by 17,000 grave stones of veterans and their family member.  These soldiers fought for our freedoms and their love of country and of our God. Grief and loss enveloped me this weekend as I watched portrayals of family members whose loved ones died at the hand of our enemies. My tears of grief were once again caught in the tear jar and held sacred in that holy place near the heart of the Father.

I resisted the feelings of grief again.  I didn't want to go to that level of pain "one more time".  Yet, it was in the not resisting that I found peace after I left the cemetery.  I knew that once again I had released a little bit of the pain, the grief, the loss.

I want to leave you with the thought today that in a strange way, there is a "language to letting go".  Relax, breath deeply, and trust.  Trust that it will get easier next time...perhaps it won't last as long.  Remember, while I have breath, I hope! You are never truly alone...

Surrounding you all with love,

Delain

You are...

You are beautiful. You are talented. You are strong. You are brave. You are courageous. When we go through the pains of life, these are hard words to swallow. We forget our values to ourselves and to the world. We feel destitute, forsaken, and lost. We feel we don't have anything or anyone to hold onto any longer. It is with these feelings that we often become depressed and withdraw from the world and our loved ones. 


I urge you to stay steadfast on your journey and dig deep to find your yourself again. 


When my brother Captain Christopher Soelzer passed away on that fateful Christmas Eve 2003 I was traumatized to say the least. Here I was, the youngest child, who chose to not go in the military and stay close to home, being tossed into this new reality that I was not prepared for. I had never had to take on the challenges that lay before me. I was forced to grow up really quickly and to be strong for my mother and father. My brother, Josh Soelzer, was also serving over in Iraq when our brother was killed. He was definitely in no position to take on this role as he was going through his own grief and loss. My grandmother also passed away the same day from cancer and so as both of my brothers flew home it was my responsibility to represent the family and travel to Sioux Falls for my grandmother's funeral. 


Not only did I have my own grief to go through, because my brother was killed in the Iraq war, his death was all over the media. Every local, state, and national newspaper had the story printed, every news station was airing the story. "The bloodiest day since the war started" the headlines read. Flags were at half staff all across the state as I drove to another funeral. It was a lot to bear. But what was even harder to bear was there was no mention of Tim Soelzer, the youngest brother, who was not in the military. Where was my story, where was there mention of the relationship that I had with my brother? I felt alone, lost, I did not have anyone to turn to. I felt as if I was the "forgotten" child. 


It took me many years through my journey to realize that I was never forgotten, and that I was never alone. My rock, my salvation, my Lord and God had never forsaken me and was and is walking with me everyday and lifting me up. I can stand here today and say that I am Tim Soelzer, the son of Steve and Delain, and the brother of Captain Christopher Frank Soelzer and Joshua Soelzer. Yes, I have still a long road ahead as we all do. But through faith and healing, you too will be able to say, I am beautiful, I am talented, I am strong, I am brave, and I am courageous. 

God bless
Tim Soelzer
The Sparrow's Nest

Gone From My Sight, That's All

All we have is hope. Hope that we will see our loved ones again. Hope that we will see the sparkle in their eyes and the sunlight on their hair. Hope that we will hear their joyous laughter once again. Hope that someday soon we will join them once again to dance and sing. We have hope that there are never goodbyes and that our loved ones are only but in another room waiting to open the door for us and welcome us home.

This poem has helped me to journey through my own losses in life. I pray it will bring you peace and comfort as you read it as well;

I am standing upon that foreshore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength and I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white clouds just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says, "There! She's gone!"
"Gone where?"
"Gone from my sight, that's all". She is just as large in mast and spar and hull as ever she was when she left my side; just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of her destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at that moment when someone at my side says, "There! She's gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!" And that is dying.

God Bless. DVM Spiro Spero (While I Breath, I Have Hope) 

Tim Soelzer- The Sparrow's Nest 

Support Information

For support, please email us today at centerforhopedirector@yahoo.com. Every contact with the sparrow's nest is confidential.

Blessings,

Delain Johnson, MS, NCC

Second Chances

It has been a few days since I have been on this blog to write and bear my heart and soul with friends of the Sparrow's Nest.  I have been so busy learning how to run a business when in my heart of hearts I really just want to be with those who share their hopes and dreams of one day feeling whole again.

I have heard from people I really care about this week; even in the midst of paperwork piled high on my desk, emails screaming at me to respond "immediately" or "at my earliest convenience".  I set aside the "stuff" and sit at their feet and listen. These people teach me about love and commitment.

To the woman who is following her dreams of continuing her path to higher education, I say you are amazing.  You have overcome so much in your life and I know what it is that drives you.  Someone believed in you!  You can do this and you can touch the lives of others because of what you have gone through.  You reached down deep to go outside of yourself and touch the hearts of those around you.  I commit to companion you through this journey also.  You have been given a second chance...

To the man who called me at home last night to ask what do I do and why do I do that and I don't want to lose her too, I say this...You were given a second chance in life.  A second chance with the God that you worship now and love and seek to know more about.  The God that loves you unconditionally and believes in you and knows you will chose to do the right thing.  To raise your daughter up in the way she will go and then let her fly.  Children always come home to the "nest".  Trust me,  I know this to be so very true.  Praise God for the faithfulness of his promises.  Just breathe and trust.  Keep in mind that fear is the direct opposite of trust.

To my long time "friend" from miles away, you have given second chances to others so many times over the years we've talked.  It is time...time for you to hug yourself, dig deep to find the courage to give yourself over to the desire for second chances.  Second chance to learn what love really is and to trust that you know in your heart of hearts that you will find it.  When we give and give till we can't give anymore and you are losing yourself just one more time, look up and breathe.  Shame binds us and stops us from making those really hard decisions that actually when we make them we break all those chains that keep us from standing strong.  I once saw a picture of a beautiful woman, bound tight with chains.  Each link had a name of something or someone who was keeping her locked up.  As she stood tall, looking up and not down the links were falling off her one by one.  The sun was shining on her as if from God himself and her arms were no longer at her side but out in front of her reaching and receiving her second chance.

Now, I must write to the very sad story that I heard about this week.  It is one of generational bondage where suicide is a darkness that hangs over the head of the women in the family.  To this I want to say that you have the power to break that "curse" so to speak.  You can be the one that speaks to a grief and utter despair that will no longer hold you down.  You can choose LIFE and LOVE.  But first, you must learn about that which is holding you down.  You must forgive those who chose to give in to the darkness; to die and not fight.  Forgiveness is for you my dear.  You must mourn well that you might live well.  Reach out to others who have chosen to stay here for awhile.  You are being given a second chance to help others in their despair and teach them how to love deeply and courageously.  You must learn to integrate such a deep loss into your life.  A dear friend of mine who has suffered loss of two children and a spouse, a mother and a father once told me that she felt so fragmented.  As if she was in this world but not of this world.  I have thought that I would be losing her way too early.  Her journey of grief led her to learning that she can have EMOTIONAL FREEDOM after such shock in her life.  YOU CAN HAVE THAT TOO!  It is our second chance to come back to this earth and be grounded to love once more.  Let's talk...

And now, last but not least...I have learned this week that I too must forgive; I must let go and accept that I no longer know the person of my past that could hold me bound and chained.  I must give myself a second chance this day to rise above that which attempts to pull me down.  I do not have to get sucked in to those things that desire that I might die to relieve them of the constant reminder of what they are not.  We are mirrors to each other. We take what we need to learn from that and shake off the rest.  Learning to let go is a life long lesson.  It is our choice to do so...our second chance at love, laughter and peace. To this end I say, "that just doesn't fit for me right now!"  The breastplate of righteousness is on and my trust does not lie in man but in God.

~while I breathe, I have hope (dum spiro spero)
Until next time...
Delain

For Support

For support, please email us today at centerforhopedirector@yahoo.com. Every contact with the sparrow's nest is confidential.

Blessings,

Delain Johnson, MS, NCC

The 5 Stages of Grief

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified what has become known as the "five stages of grief."  


Denial: "It had to have happened to someone else, not to me." 
Anger: "What did my family do to deserve this!" 
Bargaining: "God Please, take me instead, I am older"
Depression: "I am too sad to do anything today."
Acceptance: "Everything will be alright, I am at peace now." 


If you are experiencing any of these 5 stages, your reaction is natural and that you are on the right track to healing. Every single one of us is on our own journey through grief and loss. Take care of yourself so that by grieving well, you may live well. 


Blessings, 
Delain Johnson, MS, NCC

Contact Information

For support, please email us today at centerforhope@rushmore.com. Every contact with the Sparrow's Nest is confidential.

Blessings,
Delain Johnson, MS, NCC

What is Shock and Trauma? Is there a Difference?

Healing from shock and trauma in our lives takes time and a resolve and comittment to our healing.  Saying "yes" to the grief and loss means we are integrating them into our life.  It is life--at least here on earth.  But where is the hope in overcoming and being normal again?

I want to first define shock and trauma to you. There is a clear deliniation between the two. Stephanie Mines, Ph.D. wrote an amazing book entitled We are all in Shock, How Overwhelming Experiences Shatter you and What You can Do About It. Dr. Mines teaches us that shock is a part of our lives--part of the human experience, a cumulative experience where in lies the danger.

Once shock is exposed it becomes less and less threatening to our health and it gets smaller.

Dr. Mines states, "Shock begins the moment when we are confronted with an experience so stunning that our body/mind system is overwhelmed."  Some examples she gives us is a baby separated from his/her mother at birth; a child in need of attention who is ignored by busy parents; witnessing the death of a friend or a loved one; losing a body part in war, a child at birth or miscarriage, or all your possessions in a natural disaster!

She believes that when trauma occurs it strikes and wounds, but when SHOCK occurs it shatters us into a million pieces and it takes TIME to find all those pieces and begin to reintegrate ourselves to self once more. 

Trauma on the otherhand allows us to dig deep quickly to react and stabilize sooner because it is the lesser of the two evils so to speak.  I liken it to a Richter scale of earthquakes.  Trauma rates lower on the Richter scale than Shock...Trauma leaves you saying, "Why do I have to clean up this mess"...Shock rocks your world and leaves you wondering how am I going to survive ,"Will I ever be okay again. I can't go on."

I want to leave you today with Ten Steps to Resolving Shock according to Dr. Mines.

1.  Identify the lesson in the overwhelming experience.

2.  Sustain this awareness.

3.  Establish a strong relationship with your body.

4.  Develop an inner witness.

5.  Make a bond with nature.

6.  Know that laughter is the best medicine.

7.  Use language as a healing tool.

8.  Use touch to heal.

9.  Separate past from present.

10.  ADDRESS SHOCK IMMEDIATELY.

Remember that this is a process...working with a practitioner, a counselor, a teacher is so important.  The counselor companions you through the identification process first and foremost because we can not change what we aren't aware of.  Our experiences define us and make us who we are today.

I want to leave you this morning with this thought: When the pain of staying the same is Greater than the pain of CHANGE, then change can happen.

~holding you close in my heart and believing that you can have peace.

Delain

Why the Sparrow

Today, I ponder about the Sparrow, a bird...what is the significance of a Sparrow.  This much I know to be true...that when we have a "death" of someone or something in our lives, we are lost and lonely and confused and hurt and-- name any feeling or emotion and it is wrapped up in that experience for a long time.  We need to be cared for, held in His arms until we can fly once more and leave the comfort of your "sparrow's nest".

My mom died in 1998 from emphysema after many years of smoking.  She died with a great deal of regret and guilt and shame.  She would tell me that she was so very sorry for all the years it (smoking) consumed her.  She was sorry for the years it would rob me of her being in my life.  We were best friends.  We loved to window shop, Fridays were the best for garage sales, time for coffee breaks and just talking for hours.  She taught my children about Jesus and making cookies and dolls out of hollyhocks and how to be honest.  She taught me how to cook and clean and be the best mother I could be.  She taught me how to forgive and be forgiven. 

Just shortly before mom died (her name was Joy), while we were enjoying a cup of coffee in the dining room of the nursing home where she lived, she asked me, "Are you happy honey?"  I said "sure I am".  "No honey, really happy, way down in your belly happy?"  I thought it was odd for her to ask me such a question, so as to satisfy her wondering, I said, "YES! Emphatically yes".  Her answer was simple, "Good.  That's all I needed to know."

It was only three days later I was called to the hospital.  Mom had gone into a coma.  I was devastated.  Scared and confused and full of  angst.  I blamed the nurses, the doctors, even mom.  I just knew that she would come out of it and be "alright"--as alright as one could be as sick as she was. She died that very cold February morning in 1998.

I grieved.  My children grieved at the loss of their Grandmother.  The one who nurtured and taught and scolded at times.  In her death, I felt orphaned . I didn't think I could go on without her talks, her wisdom and her amazingly loving smile.

But I have...I have learned that with every goodbye you learn.  You learn that kisses aren't forever, that goodbyes don't have to be forever and you learn the memories do last forever.  It is as if I hear her voice just when I need to hear it.  I see her smile in my mind's eye just when I need to.

The Bible makes reference to the Sparrow many times. They speak of house and home, while Anna (Mary's mother) sees a sparrow before she laments to God.  Jesus reassures his followers that not even a sparrow can fall without God's notice and that their own more significant suffering is certainly seen and potentially forestalled or redeemed by God.

Tim told me about sparrow's being around our home and our trees in the backyard after Chris died.  I don't remember it at all but he said that I watched them for a long time out there.  Perhaps even then the plans were being laid out for The Sparrow's Nest. I believe that we cannot imagine the plans that God has for us for they are great and many.

May you find peace and a sense of safety as you begin your journey toward healing while in the Sparrow's Nest and all we will offer.  Have a quiet evening my friends.
~holding you close in my heart

On Behalf of a Grateful Nation

December 24, 2003--I was alone with my thoughts on that Christmas Eve morning; of two of my children overseas, fighting for our country, away from their family during a season and holiday that is supposed to bring families together.  The doorbell rang and as I approached our front door I focused on the green uniform on the other side of the door.  I thought to myself with a huge smile on my face, "He did make it home".  I opened the door, saw his face and heard the soldier say, "On behalf of a grateful nation..." My first born son, Captain Christopher F. Soelzer, would not be coming home after all.

What happened next...What was said next...I really don't remember.  It was the day that my world would never be the same.  A hole in my heart that no one person could mend.  My husband, Alan (Christopher's Stepfather), heard the news while at the hospital on an ambulance run that three officers were killed by an IED (improvised explosive device).  He later told me that he "knew" it was one of our boys.  Joshua, my second born, was serving in Iraq also.  He was "quarantined" so his commanders could tell him that his brother and best friend was killed on the road to Samara.  He had to wait hours in anguish before he could call home, and then there was the very long plane ride to the US.  My youngest son, Timothy, was at work when his spouse found him to tell him the news.  Tim later told me, he fell to the floor. His "big brother" and "the only one who really understood him and loved him unconditionally" was gone.

The rest of the story will be revealed as this blog continues.

My first entry for this blog reveals my right, my passion, my commitment to starting the Sparrow's Nest. I have realized over the last seven (7) years that God is faithful.  His eye is on the sparrow and his love and promises endure forever and watches over me and you.

I commit to you that we, the Sparrow's Nest staff, will companion you through whatever journey brought you to our door.  We will continue to walk this solo path together toward full integration of the loss of loved ones, pets, jobs, expectations, broken promises, broken dreams. 

We believe in the power of love and a power greater than ourselves. We believe that if you mourn well you will live well.  Come and share with us and sit, tell your story again and again.

May your journey begin here...with us~

Welcome!

Thank you for visiting The Sparrow's Nest. At the Sparrow's Nest we have dedicated ourselves to helping those who have or are currently experiencing grief and loss. Whether it be through the death of a loved one, divorce, illness, service men and women who are experiencing PTSD, or any other life transition in which you need a guiding hand, we are here for you in your time of need. The Sparrow's Nest's motto is DUM Spiro Spe`ro (doom spiro sparrow) which in translation means "While I have Breath, I Hope."  We want to assist you in finding your inner hope and peace again.

please let us know if we can be of assistance.

Sincerely,
The Sparrow's Nest staff
centerforhope@rushmore.com