Today, I ponder about the Sparrow, a bird...what is the significance of a Sparrow. This much I know to be true...that when we have a "death" of someone or something in our lives, we are lost and lonely and confused and hurt and-- name any feeling or emotion and it is wrapped up in that experience for a long time. We need to be cared for, held in His arms until we can fly once more and leave the comfort of your "sparrow's nest".
My mom died in 1998 from emphysema after many years of smoking. She died with a great deal of regret and guilt and shame. She would tell me that she was so very sorry for all the years it (smoking) consumed her. She was sorry for the years it would rob me of her being in my life. We were best friends. We loved to window shop, Fridays were the best for garage sales, time for coffee breaks and just talking for hours. She taught my children about Jesus and making cookies and dolls out of hollyhocks and how to be honest. She taught me how to cook and clean and be the best mother I could be. She taught me how to forgive and be forgiven.
Just shortly before mom died (her name was Joy), while we were enjoying a cup of coffee in the dining room of the nursing home where she lived, she asked me, "Are you happy honey?" I said "sure I am". "No honey, really happy, way down in your belly happy?" I thought it was odd for her to ask me such a question, so as to satisfy her wondering, I said, "YES! Emphatically yes". Her answer was simple, "Good. That's all I needed to know."
It was only three days later I was called to the hospital. Mom had gone into a coma. I was devastated. Scared and confused and full of angst. I blamed the nurses, the doctors, even mom. I just knew that she would come out of it and be "alright"--as alright as one could be as sick as she was. She died that very cold February morning in 1998.
I grieved. My children grieved at the loss of their Grandmother. The one who nurtured and taught and scolded at times. In her death, I felt orphaned . I didn't think I could go on without her talks, her wisdom and her amazingly loving smile.
But I have...I have learned that with every goodbye you learn. You learn that kisses aren't forever, that goodbyes don't have to be forever and you learn the memories do last forever. It is as if I hear her voice just when I need to hear it. I see her smile in my mind's eye just when I need to.
The Bible makes reference to the Sparrow many times. They speak of house and home, while Anna (Mary's mother) sees a sparrow before she laments to God. Jesus reassures his followers that not even a sparrow can fall without God's notice and that their own more significant suffering is certainly seen and potentially forestalled or redeemed by God.
Tim told me about sparrow's being around our home and our trees in the backyard after Chris died. I don't remember it at all but he said that I watched them for a long time out there. Perhaps even then the plans were being laid out for The Sparrow's Nest. I believe that we cannot imagine the plans that God has for us for they are great and many.
May you find peace and a sense of safety as you begin your journey toward healing while in the Sparrow's Nest and all we will offer. Have a quiet evening my friends.
~holding you close in my heart
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