Words from the song “For Good” from the musical "Wicked"

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
...And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you..."

The past few days have left me reflective, frustrated, fearful, relieved, overwhelmed and humbled.

I once heard it said that "people come and go in our lives for a reason and perhaps a season" and with "many goodbyes we learn".

I think we learn to accept differences in each other, observe grace and mercy in others and ourselves.

I believe that we learn that if only by the grace of God, we are led and directed and guided by a Hand much gentler than our own or the hand of another.

I felt as alone as this yellow daisy this week, surrounded by glorious blossoms of royal purple. 

I learned however, that not all is as I assume it to be.  Imagine that...

Others have struggled getting to where they are today.  Held in high regard, respected among their peers and they continue to question themselves.  They hold me to a higher standard because they have held that banner high and know that it is worth the struggle to fight for what is right.

This week I learned that anything worth fighting for is worth doing well.  I learned that those that held me to a higher standard began walking with me to do the right thing. I learned in this week that with a humble heart and a contrite spirit, others see in me those things that I cannot see myself.

INTEGRITY, DIGNITY, and COMPASSION

I thrive to do bring hope to others through their jouney of grief and loss.  Hope eluded me this week in so much that I was ready to give up and not go forward.  Then hope came through others that believe in the process of doing the right thing.

I read comments to others and their pain and their grief was screaming.  They felt violated again, one more breach of confidentiality moved into their safe place.  Their safe place was a "secured" facebook page.  Fragile, not to be trusted, sites hacked into...Really, is that all we have, is that where we lay our treasures.  The most sacred held pain, tears and saddness.  I remember a time not too long ago where I trusted.  I trusted someone to keep the sacred secret...the best laid plans of mine.  It was not to be so. It was shattered...and along with that I was literally sliced open and stomped on.

But that was then and this is now. The face of grief is observed in everyone of my fellow Gold Star Mothers...they have yet to move ever so slowly toward hope. But I know there is hope...I know because I was given hope in the face of the most painful tragic thing that has ever happened to me.  I know that you, too can have HOPE in the midst of your tragic thing, your crisis, your time of trials, your crossroads to go one way or another in a critical decision. 

I have a heart of gratitude today for the friends and collegues in my life that helped me walk a good path this week.  Thank you to you all and you know who you are.

Now, go do the right thing but first DO NO HARM!

Forever grateful to you, too!

Delain

I have reposted this from "DailyOM".  It is so powerful and truly ministered to my spirit because of the events of the last few days and weeks. 
I hope that you each receive a small bit of peace after reading this and are able to breathe.
Bless you all beyond measure,
Delain

Things We Can’t Control
Allow, Trust

We develop grace as we learn with the guiding hand of the universe, life will unfold exactly the way it should.

The idea of trusting the universe is a popular one these days, but many of us don’t know what this really means and we often have a hard time doing it. This is partly because the story of humankind is most often presented as a story about struggle, control, and survival, instead of one of trust and collaboration with the universe. Yet, in truth, we need to adhere to both ideas in this life.

On the one hand, there is much to be said about exerting control over our environment. We created shelter to protect ourselves from the elements. We hunted for animals and invented agriculture to feed ourselves. We built social infrastructures to protect ourselves and create community. This is how we survive and grow as a civilization. However, it is also clear that there are plenty of things that we cannot control, no matter how hard we try, and we often receive support from an unseen force – a universe that provides us with what we cannot provide for ourselves.

It is a good idea to take responsibility for the things in life that we can control or create. We work so we can feed, clothe, and shelter our loved ones and ourselves. We manifest our dreams and visions in physical form with hard work and forethought. But at a certain point, when we have done all that we can, we must let go and allow the universe to take over. This requires trust. It requires a trust that runs deeper than just expecting things to turn out the way we want them to. Sometimes they will, and sometimes they won’t. We develop equanimity and grace as we learn to trust that, with the guiding hand of the universe, life will unfold exactly the way it should. We are engaged in an ongoing relationship with a universe that responds to our thoughts and actions.

What do you do when you don't know what to do?

 photo by Apex Photography

I just read this on a post of Gold Star Families facebook page.  James gave me permission to use his words to let all of us know what really matters when someone is hurting because of the death of a loved one.  I think James summed it up beautifully. 

"Those of us who suffer grief will more often than not remember the quiet and unassuming person who comes to visit them. The person who quietly sits by us on the couch and lets us weep and talk about our lost loved one without interruption or thinking they have to add anything. The person who handed us a kleenex without a word. The who was there when they needed them, who just simply listened — who didn’t keep glancing at a watch — who simply hugged, touched, cried, and prayed. It is not the person who liked to say for all to hear "What can we do for you?" or "Let me know what I can do" it was the person who saw a need and simply did it without question or without fanfare. Like when I went to get some coffee and my sister's in Christ were at the sink washing our dishes! I did not even know they were there! Or our clothes were magically washed and folded ready to pack! I still do not know who mowed my yard or filled the car's gas tank up! I may not know who did it but I will forever remember the act!

So in summation... the people I remember most in my grief was the someone who was available and came to me..."  James Dunigan  proud father of a fallen soldier

Quote of the Day

"Compassion is a deep desire to see others relieved of suffering; love is the other facet, a strong wish to see others happy." -Dali Lama

Taking Risks

"To Laugh is to risk appearing the fool, To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.To reach out to another is to risk involvement.To Express feeling is to risk expressing your true self.To place your ideas, your dreams, before the crowd is to risk their loss.To love is to risk being loved in return.To live is to risk dying.To hope is to risk despair.To try is to risk failure.But risks must be taken,because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.The person who risks nothing, does nothing,has nothing and is nothing.He/She may avoid suffering or sorrow,but he simply cannot learn,fell, change,love,grow,live.Chained by his certitudes,he is a slave,he has forfeited freedom.Only a person who risks is free." -Edgar Gibson, Jr. 

Writing to my other Gold Star Families...

My son, Cpt. Chris Soelzer was killed on Christmas Eve, 2003.  I was on medication for 6 of those 7 years.  It didn't stop the pain, it didn't stop the tears, it just made me able to function and keep my job.  I have learned that if I mourn well I will live well.  I have learned to embrace my loss, my pain, my sadness, my grief, my anger.  There is no right or wrong way to do walk this journey.  I just know that if you can find the one friend and confidant that will not leave you or forsake you and try to get you to "move" through it you will live for another day.  You learn to integrate the death of your son, daughter, husband, wife, grandchild, nephew, niece into your life.  There is nothing that doesn't bring our thoughts back to our loved one.  We can relate most things in life to them.  It becomes part of your story and who you are.  I decided at one point that I was not going to let the death of my son define me...but then how can that be. It does define me.  I have learned to tell my story, over and over and over and over again.  I have learned to only allow the people who understand to stay in my life. I am a mental health therapist on top of all of this.  I specialize in grief counseling...In this area I am the expert in what works for me and maybe a small part of that can help someone else. 

I continue to hold all of you close; I pray for you daily that you find joy once more, that you laugh and not feel guilty, that you find pleasure in the sun coming up, and delight in the loved ones that remained behind.  I have found that joy and delight again.  Because I have loved Christopher, I am honored to have been chosen to be his mother, Josh's mom and Timothy's mom.  I am honored to be the "bonus" mother of Sarah, Christina and Melissa.  I am grateful for the second chance I have been given to be the grandmother of 12 amazing grandchildren. 

I am full of appreciation for sitting at the feet of each of you and learning about your loved ones who were taken too early.  I am humbled that you trust me with your most sacred memories, holy tears and unmeasurable pain and suffering in your grief.

Remember to:

Learn from yesterday, live for today and hope for tomorrow.

Delain

The Many Faces of Grief...

It is overwhelming to say the least...it is everywhere.  Grief and loss surround us, might I even say bombard us everyday.  The newspapers, cable television news reporting around the clock report incredible, horrific stories of devastation.  Devastation that is nature driven and/or man driven.

There is a chance that we have become desensitized to fact that grief has a face.  Real people are affected by the actions of one.  When Christopher was killed in 2003, 600 people attended his funeral.  That was one act of terrorism, one man's death.  Before that day and after, countless numbers of people are directly affected in some way by actions of another, the choice of a sick mind. There is a ripple effect, a sort of tsunami that happens.  It leaves behind sacred rubble and remains for years.

The pictures of the World Trade Center being rebuilt and memorialized, the Oklahoma bombing site has a motto that states, "One City, One Nation, One Resolve".  "We come here to remember those who were killed, those who survived and those changed forever. May all who leave here know the impact of violence. May this memorial offer comfort, strength, peace, hope and serenity.^®"

What does the face of grief look like?  It looks like overwhelming sadness, a distant far off gaze, a blank stare, tearful, empty, SHOCK!!  It also is a chair for every person killed that day.  The survivor tree stands a powerful testimony to the resiliency of most. 

When we see the face of grief in someone close to us, it makes us uncomfortable.  We immediately want to take them to get over it so we feel better and want to be around them.  What would happen if we stay close and companion them on their journey of grief?  Is it contagious?  Will it happen to me?  Everyone loses someone, some thing close to us at some point in our lives. 

What does the face of grief look like? Despair...a silent inner scream all the time.  Changed forever...how could we not be changed.  Every breath that we take, every thought that we have centers around the one that left us too early.  How could we ever be as were before the trauma of loss?  Someone close to us has died.

This post seems heavy today, yet as I write I want to leave HOPE with each of you that even though you have experienced loss, saddness, depression and anger, asked a million why's, the sun comes up every day and gives us an opportunity to move one more day away from "that day".

If you have had a resent loss and find yourself in the process of grief, I hope and pray for each of you that you will honor this process.  Mourn well that you might live well!  There is nothing wrong with you and no right or wrong way to walk this journey.  If you want to talk about it, share your story over and over again, DO IT!  Call a trusting friend, a Pastor, a counselor and find joy once more in the every day!

Key Stages of the Process of Grief
The process of Loss and Bereavement

1. Denial and disbelief

2. Alarm - anxiety, restlessness, physiological accompaniments of fear

3. Urge to find/search for lost person/object/title/job/security/known situation.

4. Anger and guilt

5. Bargaining - in anticipation and reaction to the loss/threatened loss

6. Despair and depression - internal loss and deprivation

7. Identification phenomena - adopting traits, habits of deceased/adopting behavior patterns to insure that the loss/perceived loss does not occur again in the person's environment. In the case of job/career security this can be taking on traits of person that is perceived as causing the loss. At this stage one may begin to repress certain aspects of their personality and curtail their instinct to reach and respond in relationship to their environment and world. Withdrawal.

8. Pathological variants - delayed/prolonged/inability to grieve.
Lack of motivation. The loss/perceived loss must be grieved in order to move through the cycle and restructure. It is at this point that many people may feel "stuck", blocked, or feel a virtual victim of circumstance and environment. The feeling of "why try again?" "It's no use." may prevail.

9. Acceptance - non-acceptance or resignation. This is a decision making interim; and the beginning of recovery as a resolution is mandated at this point.

10. New identity - reorganization. At this juncture the restructuring begins and all that entails in the process, and individual development.