The Many Faces of Grief...

It is overwhelming to say the least...it is everywhere.  Grief and loss surround us, might I even say bombard us everyday.  The newspapers, cable television news reporting around the clock report incredible, horrific stories of devastation.  Devastation that is nature driven and/or man driven.

There is a chance that we have become desensitized to fact that grief has a face.  Real people are affected by the actions of one.  When Christopher was killed in 2003, 600 people attended his funeral.  That was one act of terrorism, one man's death.  Before that day and after, countless numbers of people are directly affected in some way by actions of another, the choice of a sick mind. There is a ripple effect, a sort of tsunami that happens.  It leaves behind sacred rubble and remains for years.

The pictures of the World Trade Center being rebuilt and memorialized, the Oklahoma bombing site has a motto that states, "One City, One Nation, One Resolve".  "We come here to remember those who were killed, those who survived and those changed forever. May all who leave here know the impact of violence. May this memorial offer comfort, strength, peace, hope and serenity.^®"

What does the face of grief look like?  It looks like overwhelming sadness, a distant far off gaze, a blank stare, tearful, empty, SHOCK!!  It also is a chair for every person killed that day.  The survivor tree stands a powerful testimony to the resiliency of most. 

When we see the face of grief in someone close to us, it makes us uncomfortable.  We immediately want to take them to get over it so we feel better and want to be around them.  What would happen if we stay close and companion them on their journey of grief?  Is it contagious?  Will it happen to me?  Everyone loses someone, some thing close to us at some point in our lives. 

What does the face of grief look like? Despair...a silent inner scream all the time.  Changed forever...how could we not be changed.  Every breath that we take, every thought that we have centers around the one that left us too early.  How could we ever be as were before the trauma of loss?  Someone close to us has died.

This post seems heavy today, yet as I write I want to leave HOPE with each of you that even though you have experienced loss, saddness, depression and anger, asked a million why's, the sun comes up every day and gives us an opportunity to move one more day away from "that day".

If you have had a resent loss and find yourself in the process of grief, I hope and pray for each of you that you will honor this process.  Mourn well that you might live well!  There is nothing wrong with you and no right or wrong way to walk this journey.  If you want to talk about it, share your story over and over again, DO IT!  Call a trusting friend, a Pastor, a counselor and find joy once more in the every day!

Key Stages of the Process of Grief
The process of Loss and Bereavement

1. Denial and disbelief

2. Alarm - anxiety, restlessness, physiological accompaniments of fear

3. Urge to find/search for lost person/object/title/job/security/known situation.

4. Anger and guilt

5. Bargaining - in anticipation and reaction to the loss/threatened loss

6. Despair and depression - internal loss and deprivation

7. Identification phenomena - adopting traits, habits of deceased/adopting behavior patterns to insure that the loss/perceived loss does not occur again in the person's environment. In the case of job/career security this can be taking on traits of person that is perceived as causing the loss. At this stage one may begin to repress certain aspects of their personality and curtail their instinct to reach and respond in relationship to their environment and world. Withdrawal.

8. Pathological variants - delayed/prolonged/inability to grieve.
Lack of motivation. The loss/perceived loss must be grieved in order to move through the cycle and restructure. It is at this point that many people may feel "stuck", blocked, or feel a virtual victim of circumstance and environment. The feeling of "why try again?" "It's no use." may prevail.

9. Acceptance - non-acceptance or resignation. This is a decision making interim; and the beginning of recovery as a resolution is mandated at this point.

10. New identity - reorganization. At this juncture the restructuring begins and all that entails in the process, and individual development.